April. Month 8. Our second to last month, and the hardest month of the entire race. I haven’t given an update in a while, so here’s what’s been going on.
We’re in Santiago de los Caballeros, Dominican Republic. We’re partnered with Mission of Hope and living on their ministry base here. They’re primarily focused on ministering to Haitian people, whether in Haiti or in other countries, including the DR. Our ministry has primarily been partnering with local pastors each week to go out into their communities and visit people in their homes to get to know them, encourage them, and spread the Gospel. It’s my favorite kind of ministry, and when we first got here, I was so excited to get started. Except the day before we were supposed to go out for the first time, I sprained my ankle playing volleyball.
My first few weeks here were spent at the base, icing and resting my ankle. I felt broken, alone, and useless. I came here to go minister to people and I’m stuck at the base doing nothing? I spent my first few days wrestling with the Lord and asking Him why this happened. I really began to realize how much I ascribed what I could do to my worth. When we first got here, I did an inner healing session with Madie, our squad mentor, and her husband Derek. It was basically just a guided time with the Lord where I asked Him to bring up events in my past that could be the source of lies I believe about myself (in my case, unworthiness). The Lord has continued to teach me about places in my life where I believe I’m unworthy, and continued to speak the truth over me. One of the ways He did that was through my ankle injury.
I threw the volleyball up, preparing to serve. I jumped, hit it towards the net, and came back to earth on the outside of my right ankle, a landing which was accompanied by a few loud pops. That’s not good. Whatever happened, I just hope I can walk. I tried to stand up and immediately fell down again. Ok, I thought, just as long as it’s not broken. I was helped to a chair where I wrapped and iced my ankle, and sat. For a long, long time. The next day, I watched as my squad got on the bus to go to their first day of ministry. The enemy started with the lies immediately. You’re useless. You came to serve and instead you’re stuck and other people are taking care of you. You’re not doing the Lord’s work here. You’re unworthy.
To summarize the weeks I spent away from ministry, the Lord broke down things that I had built my worth on that weren’t Him. He took my expectations away and replaced them with the simple joy of His presence. While I was frustrated about the fact that I had to stay back, God was excited to spend uninterrupted time with me. To just be there with me and love me like the Father he is.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
The Lord is still showing me parts of my life where I feel unworthy and where I don’t believe the truth of what He says about me, and it’s been about much more than physical ability. The refinement has been difficult to go through and painful at times, but I’ve never felt more secure in Him than I do right now, and I rejoice that He’s still going, still taking me deeper.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. James 1:2-3
