These nine months have been a little of everything. They have been incredible, difficult, fun, and life-changing. If you asked me “how was it?” I couldn’t give a simple answer. It’s hard to summarize that amount of time, especially when each day has been spent getting closer to the Lord and hanging out with a big group of friends that have become family.
What I can say is that where I started is not where I finished, and where I finished is not what I expected. It’s different, but so much better. At the beginning, in Georgia, I was thrust into a big community of people with a load of insecurities I didn’t know I had. The comforts of home were stripped away. The solitude, autonomy, and choices I had when I was at home or at college were no more. I learned to submit myself to the authority that was over me, and to honor the position they were in. Any apathy that was present in me was squeezed out by constant discipleship from mentors and friends. All of these pushed me more towards the Lord, and complete reliance on Him. I learned that worldly comforts aren’t all that comfortable. The Lord became my Comforter, and I began to be renewed and refreshed in Him constantly, regardless of the circumstances around me. And He continued to sanctify me, as He’s been doing since I accepted Him as my Savior.
I learned to be vulnerable. I thought I was before, but there was so much more that I was missing. The Lord blessed me with an incredible group of brothers that I was able to pour my heart out to, and the Lord began to speak truth over the lies I believed about myself through them.
When we finally got to go overseas, I saw the Lord use me to speak to other people, to call out the truth about them. How could He use me? I’m just as broken as the person I’m talking to. Who am I to speak over them? But I learned that’s just how good He is. He’s willing, even excited, to use me, because He loves me that much. He wants me to have a front row seat in His great story, and He wants me to be a part of it. Not as a main character but as a vessel that the Main Character works through, speaks through, and loves through. What an honor.
He taught me to lean on His understanding, and to be okay with not always knowing the “why”. He taught me to give all of myself, piece by piece, into His hands. He showed me that my life is not my own, and that that’s actually a great thing. It’s something to rest in. He showed me how to worship in spirit and truth, by the way I live and the way I walk. He set me free.
Finally, He told me how worthy I am. He broke me down, stripped me of my own strength, and replaced it with His. It doesn’t make sense, but He calls me clean. Holy. Righteous. Loved. Seen. Wanted. Blameless. Worthy. The truth is that the God of the universe, who created me and everything around me, wants me. He longs for time with me, as a father longs for his son. He paid for my sin, and waited patiently and hopefully for me to choose to come to Him. He didn’t force me, because that wouldn’t be love. He invited me. He knocked on the door and waited. And kept waiting. Until finally, I opened it. I let Him into my heart years ago and He’s been moving in it ever since. The least I could do in response is to let Him have my life. To let Him use me how He wants to, because He gave me the best gift I’ve ever received.
And He wants you too. All of you. He wants the broken pieces. The parts that hurt to touch or even think about. He’s the only one that can heal you, because He made you. He’s the only one who can tell you who you are. Not the identity you’ve built for yourself, but the one He gave you. Whether you’re 15 or 50 or 95, He still wants you. He still wants to tell you who you are and mend your broken pieces.
This will probably be my last blog of the race, so if you have any more questions or want to talk about something, feel free to email/text/call/etc. I just want to encourage you to open the door and let Him in if you haven’t. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done, and I’m convinced it will be for you too.
Thanks for keeping up with this journey. With so much love,
Ben
