I’m not sure what I want to write about in this blog. I feel like I’ve experienced a lot and learned a lot recently but it’s all mixed up in my head, so I’ll do my best to organize it here.
First, I’m not a planner. It’s not in my nature. I would much rather take each day as it comes and write nothing down, no to-do lists or calendars to look at every day telling me all the work I need to do. Unfortunately that means that I try to keep everything in my head, so I forget to do things or continually put them off. The other consequence to keeping everything in my head is increased stress. I’ll think that I have everything done that needs to be done, but then I’ll remember something and a weight is dropped on my chest. That includes school stuff, social stuff, job stuff, and Jesus stuff. Particularly fundraising recently. Every time I think about fundraising, I think of the amount I have left to raise and the time I have to do it and boom. Weight. Discouragement.
I’ve also been feeling discouraged by people’s reaction to the race recently. I know it’s not true, but sometimes I feel alone on this journey, at least among the people who have been in my life for a long time. Thankfully the rest of my squad has also experienced this and they have been awesome and really encouraging just by talking about the reactions that people have shown them.
So the next question I ask myself (or intend to ask myself) during times like this is, where does Jesus fit in? The problem, most of the time, is in the question. Jesus does not “fit in”. Jesus IS this. I do not raise the money, Jesus does. I am not alone even when it feels like I am, because Jesus IS my best friend, comforter, and savior. So have I talked to Him? Have I told Him how I’m feeling and asked for guidance and comfort? Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. What I heard recently at my church small group is that a lot of us may stop there with that verse, saying “ok, He knows. He’s got me,” and then just continuing on our own way. But we’re missing the next few verses, which are so important. Verses 12-13: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. He is not the master planner that knows whats going on while we stumble around life on our own. He is who we depend on, who we call on and pray to and seek.
I think that in many aspects of my life I’ve learned to put God at the center instead of fitting Him in, but preparing for the race has revealed parts where I haven’t surrendered. Please pray for me as I learn to give up control and entrust more of my life to Him, and know that I am thankful for everyone that reads these even though they can be jumbled, and I am praying for you as well.
